you guys were way drunker than both of me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
