fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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