Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
