I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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