There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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