My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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