Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
