yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
