The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
