Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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