On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
