Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
