Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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