So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
