he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
third nipple confirmed
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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