just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
