So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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