Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
