ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
