i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
