i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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