We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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