I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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