I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
