Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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