Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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