matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
