the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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