dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
