i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
