It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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