Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
