If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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