The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
