nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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