Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I want to walk on stilts...naked
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My hand turned me down
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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