the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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