i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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