i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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