I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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