No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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