I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
