i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
