i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
