this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
