Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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