i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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