I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
