Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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