Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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