A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wish you could order shots online.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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