I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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