And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
