She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We smell like vodka and hangover
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