Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
