I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
