First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Text me some of your sweat
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