The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize