tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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