He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize