I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
