My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
