What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
