the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
